The core essence of who I am as Melissa has not changed as time has passed. The defining characteristics of what makes my soul unique to me,has stayed strong and true through the years. However my perspectives, ambitions, outlooks and rational have come and gone, each time reappearing in a different way. I believe that as I grow older who I am will never change. Those core structures that make my soul identifiable to my name have always stayed immovable- but the composition of my personality, which interacts with the world around me, has changed constantly.
I have “leveled up”. I’d like to think of this “new me” as level 7 Mel. Why? I have absolutely no idea, but it feels right. Reaching a new stage or phase in my life has always come after experiencing periods of stress, heartache, loneliness or sadness. Almost as if I have accumulated so many mistakes and so much emotional mess by the end of that level,that as soon as I’m ready to sit down with this end product and look it in the eye, I level up. This new level starts with a refreshing feeling of empowerment, usually signified by a change of hair color or perhaps redecorating a room whilst “Thank u, next” is playing in the background. I find myself equipped with these new tools, taking the form of enhanced understanding, empathy, logic and reasoning. I am able to wield these tools with more finesse and ease as I battle the obstacles of life.
What has surprised me about this “level 7” is how different it is to the previous levels. I am used to operating my life with calculated decisions that have been mapped out down to the finest details 5 years in advance. I know how I want things to turn out and I know how I want them to be done. I don’t do spontaneity. I expect everything that flows in and out of my life to be prepackaged in this perfect form, which suits my expectations and doesn’t rock the boat. All of the choices that I had made in my life up until this point have been so thought out and premeditated to ensure perfect ease and transition. I placed each foot step on the firmest most logical grounding, with so much self-inflicted pressure to ensure I was the perfect someone to everyone. Achieving daughter, fun-loving sister, “chilled” girlfriend and so on.
Naturally, loss and heartache accumulated and a break-through took place, leading me to this level right here.
After finding my identity in Christ and nurturing a confident and loving mindset, I couldn’t give a damn about all those predictions and calculations. I’m going with a flow and living in the moment, following God’s voice each and every day. At first it was terrifying and went against all my instincts. I felt out of control and a little bit wild, but boy is it freeing. I realized that by stressing over so many details and “what if’s” before they had even become a possibility was causing so much underlying tension and anxiety. Over what? Something that might not ever happen or need to be considered. Why was I losing hair over landing that interview when two weeks later my dream job gave me a call? Why was I stressing over if my parents would approve of that guy, when the following evening he was rude to the waiter and I immediately crossed him off the list?
By going with the flow of life, closing my eyes and trusting God to place the positioning of my next footstep, I eased the tension in my shoulders. I haven’t forgotten levels 1 to 6, I still carry those lessons and experiences with me and use them to maneuver my way through these new challenges. I just move with a bit more trust and a little less anxiety.